Where to go?

          If you do not get it from yourself, where will you go for it?

          I was reflecting on such as this today. It's a zen quote I wrote on my wall about thirty years ago. The problem I have with going away and probably being dead virtuous on a retreat is that I'd have to come back. And come back to all my bad habits.

          Well, my habits are no worse than most people's, but most folk aren't wanting to try to do the Six Yogas of Naropa. Anyway, I'd like to feel more settled in this flat before I go anywhere else and I've said before that I've got everything here that I need to meditate. If I've habits to alter, I should be able to do it here.

           I depends on where you think you are in your practice as well. When I first lost Rowena, well, my practice then wasn't up to spending so long on my own in this flat, and coping with the quiet evenings and all that bereavement stuff. But I think it's up to it now.

          This blog then will be used liked a bliss diary. I'll write in it often and write down what my practice has been like. This might be no use to anyone else, but it might be useful for me when I have a chance to look back on it.

         So I wakened up today and lay in bed for about half an hour doing the bliss. What a great start to the day this is!! No aggravation from anyone and perfect peace. Sometimes you think the day can only go downhill!! Anyway, I did a two hour sit no bother after breakfast and did another two hour sit after lunch. By then I'd done a backbend, tai chi set and stood on my head. So after four, I did the six three minute rounds of shadowboxing in the Beer Monster Reduction Vehicle, but was too tired then to run up and down the stairs, which I have been doing a bit of recently. Then after dinner, I wrote for a while and then meditate again. At nine I stopped and went to the off licence for three bottles of weissbier. I'll have to get rid of the beer sometime, but not yet!

         That is more or less what my days are going to be like then till August. I'm going nowhere. If I don't reach out, I could be left alone here and that's what I need. I can meditate for about seven hours a day and with the writing and the exercising, I might have a couple of hours to write in. And that's it. The whole day.

         When it comes to seeing folk, I'll see anyone who wants to see me. I'll make sure I give priority to the folk I know will come to my funeral. As far as friends are concerned, that's only about five or six folk, so no bother really.

         So I think that's what I shall do, given that I can stay single, for at least the next four months. By that time I expect .... god knows! But it's now a great opportunity for me to really get going on the Deity Yoga. Of course, this is not an easy path to follow. It's easy to be a slob. Sometimes some things are maybe worth a wee bit of deferred gratification. Maybe I have three good years left till I am seventy. If I can sit on my arse doing the juju for eight hours a day, what a wonderful three years they would be!!!

        This is my tao. Now I feel comfortable. I'm taking inspiration from Milarepa. In his biography, he says he doesn't mind dying in the cave all alone because he is happy to die a yogi joe. All through the biography you find that his outer circumstances look terrible with the hunger and deprivation and all, but there is bugger all about what is going on inside that makes him stay there in the cave despite everything.

       I really think I am just starting on the best time of my life. I'm getting heat. I get so much bliss, I don't even go looking for it anymore. The visualisations are coming on. What more can a body ask for? What a wonderful life! What a fortunate creature I am, I am. What a fortunate creature I am!!