Stewing in retreat

                    I was supposed to go to the Samye LIng this week, but I screwed up the booking and I've been at home instead. The opportunity to retreat came about because my girlfriend has gone to the States for a wedding and won't be back till tomorrow.

                     I've loved being at home. Recently, I've only been here three nights a week and it has been lovely settling in here without any distractions. I haven't seen anyone. I had a wonderful day on Thursday because I didn't go to Bellshill. I went to see Kate Nixon as usual on Friday. She was very tired and only said three words in the hour I was there, but Kate is an inspiration in a way since she cannot move. I sometimes think of this when I'm in the lobby and want to get up. The mistake is not thinking that volitional impulse is just the same as all the other stupid thoughts that go through your mind. You can just let it pass.

                     The meditations have moved on, as they do. Most of the time I seem to be just stewing in my juices. I can't think of a better way to describe it. You're just doing calming meditations, I suppose. You just have to sit in the bliss and heat and try to stay focused. Otherwise, it's just guru yoga and deity yoga.

                     You walk the path and you might get some fruit. Sitting for hours and hours every day is still not always easy, especially in my environment, but I don't regret a moment I've spent trying to meditate. At the end of the day, what it comes down to is this: can you, or can you not, do the bliss?

                      The rhubarb is the first thing you can eat from the allotment in the new year. The rhodies are out in the Botanics as well, though not many yet.