I'll be heading home in a couple of hours after spending four nights down here at the Samye Ling. The retreat was sometimes challenging as you'd expect. There are no drugs, drink, sex or tv down here so all you have is your mind really.
It's supposed to be like a river. It starts as a trickle, sometimes stops and starts. After a long time, it's river and it feels like it's going to the sea and all you have to do is meditate and purify, hold onto your bottle and try to enjoy the ride.
I can do the bliss lying in bed in the morning, on my back and on my side, though that's not so strong. I can do the bliss in the bath and that is sometimes like the best because there's no effort really. You focus and it comes on.
Most of the meditations over the past four days have involved mainly doing mantras and just observing the show. There won't be a whole lost of consistency if you are doing this for most of the time, but whenever you get back the focus, the show starts up again. And it changes a lot. There is a lot of warmth arising in the meditations now. Learning how to get better control of all this is really the task now and I don't know if I can do that in Edinburgh if I'm living like I do just now. Too much drink and drugs. I want to go back to being a sober potheid who goes on retreat a lot. Doing this stuff isn't easy, but when you look at how fucked up the flatheids are, there doesn't seem much choice. I've been handed the keys to kingdom, but I'll need to work like hell for the rest of my life. Which is what I want to. You might think this is a terrible waste of time when I've got time and money and could be "enjoying" myself, but flatheids just don't get the bliss. What a shame! But it's not my fault.
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