Three Day Fast

                     Someone I know was told a hospice place awaited, and she said she wasn't ready for the hopice yet. Well, I realised I wasn't ready for the hospice yet either. At my age maybe you should think about being hospice ready, not beach ready.

                   Anyway, I stopped drinking beer at night and went on a three day fast. Half way through it,  I decided to get into the spirit of the thing and shaved all my hair off. You can tell by the photies how much one enjoys having nothing to eat for two days!!

                    I should have been in Belgium on a month's retreat with the wee lama ... till a week ago, but what with the hospice awaiting my friend's mother .... can't really justify going away at this time. But I don't see anyone for days at a time anyway and if I stop the beer ... I'm practically on retreat half the time anyway.

                    I've been sending off maybe an email a month recently concerning The Buddha, The Dakini, and The Dirty Old Man. Having stirred up no responses and nothing but apathy from emailing London agents, I decided to try overseas. This might have been just one step away from bothering the publishers of restaurant menus, but lo and behold, someone got back to me and they say they'll take a look if I send the book to them after January 3rd. 

                    Actually getting an agent to read it, or at least to start reading it, is a bit of a triumph in itself. I don't expect that they'll want to try to flog it, and if they do, I don't expect them to succeed in that. I've told the wee lama I'll give her any money I make from it anyway. Low expectations is the way to go. And I don't have to send out any emails till the agent gets back to me. Hurrah to that! She's called Vicki Selvaggio from The Storm Literary Agency.

Something moved...

 

                                        I thought I should  come here to say that something interesting happened when I was meditating yesterday. After a vase breath .... wow! What was that? We're cooking with gas. There is some heat. Yesterday did seem like a red letter day, but today the difference has been  assimilated and is now part of the new normal, more or less. Still very encouraging though. I think I'm proving that you don't have to be a saint to do this inner heat stuff, since I'm sure this is going to work for me now, and I'm certainly no saint unless you can be one as well as a habitual piss and pot heid!!

                                    It's over a year since I finished The Buddha, the Dakini, and The Dirty Old Man. I really gave up after about twenty emails to agents, which produced bugger all, and so I haven't managed to get an agent to look at it yet. That doesn't matter. I only send out about one email a month these days!

                                    This hasn't stopped me writing a follow up! Or, starting one. I thought this heat thing would happen, and the last book has been written by someone who cannot raise heat. I think my next year sometime that might not be me. Anyway, I'm wanting to write something about mysticism. Been very interested in Neo-Platonism, Plotinus, Sufis, Greek Orthodox hesychasm, and all that. 

                                    I was down at the Samye Ling for the retreat following the anniversary of the passing of Dr Akong. Then Lama Rinchen came and stayed with me for two nights. Meditating with her at my shrine was something else. I think these two events might have had something to do with the Wow yesterday. Who knows anything about anything?

                                    The blog gets hit nearly every day from somewhere in the Netherlands. I assume this is a machine. What is that about?

My Old Man is the one on the right. No one is bigger than 5 ft 5ins.

    

                Of course, everything started to deteriorate once I stopped meditating so much and started back on the evening doing the usual stuff. 

                For the last couple of days in Brussels, I was taken aback by the increased ability to visualise and the sometimes feelings of exhilaration, and sometimes feelings I just had to look at and couldn't really explain. Is that what folk who are bi-polar feel when they are wonderfully manic? I think it is. I got there and wasn't scared (exhilaration isn't scary!), but kind of surprised because I'm supposed to be old and tired, but it wasn't like that now and again. This is about not believing in anything and accepting knowledge only through experience. 

               This blog is supposed to be about writing.

                I've been ruminating and taking notes about another book because the last one stopped when I couldn't raise inner heat. Well, I still can't do that, but things have developed since last year in the summer when I finished The Buddha, The Dakini and The Dirty Old Man.

                Once upon a time, about eleven years ago, when books were put up free on Kindle the downloads tumbled and tumbled down in the hundreds. Free mostly, but that's okay. I put Cold Killing onto Kindle a couple of months ago to see how things were now. In the first three days of sticking that book on Kindle, it was downloaded fifteen times. In the last day, it's been downloaded three times.

                So, I will not be putting The Dirty Old Man on Kindle. It would not be read and I think I should try to get an agent for it, and maybe another two following it. This seems unlikely, but that's okay. I'd like to make some money for my Kagyu friend.

                 Once my favourite book was A Moveable Feast. It wasn't published till after the author was deid. A Long Day's Journey into Night wasn't produced till after Mr O'Neill was deid, probably his best work. So, it's about trying and doing your best. I'm not anywhere in the league where O'Neill and Hemingway reside, but anyone who tries to do this writing or any arty stuff is in the same game. You need a culture where a lot of folk are trying to get Michelangelo and what else would I do? Keeping on. Writing has kept me focussed. I'm glad I tried with this .I might not be any good at it. I'll keep trying. Once I read Bertrand Russel's Autobiography and I think he wrote that in his 90s. So keep on keeping on.

                    The photie is of my old mas. He's in Antwerp, I think, about in his early thirties. I didn't get here on my own. I owe it to my old man and lots of other people to stop being an arsehole and get into the purification and accumulation. To end up as good a person as my old man would be improbable.

 

Brussels, vase breathing, the bliss and that jazz

 

                            Sometimes you might think this is the most significant time in your life, but you may be getting a little carried away. Maybe you're not. When I go back to Edinburgh, will it all deteriorate and will I go back to things being just the way they were. That wouldn't be so awful since I was having a wonderful old age before I go here.

                         Today is the first day I've gone to the Dzong morning and afternoon. Though I sit way at the back as far as I can and it is difficult to focus as well as you might while sitting alone, there's something else going on. Energy? Can it be described as the energy in the place being cranked up by all the singing and chanting and occasionally cacophonous music. 

                        My mind is a lot "clearer", if that's the expression I'm looking for. The visualisations of lamas, deities and all that is certainly much improved over the last couple of weeks. For years and years I was managing almost bugger all, but over the last couple of days, especially today, there it was. You want to see a guru's face over your head and there it is. The Dorje Semper visualisation is, of course, far more complex, but even that is much improved.

                       The after-effects of the vase breathing are also much enhanced. Really much enhanced. Everything is just more and more than it was.

                        I can't take any of the credit for what's going on. Lama Rinchen Palmo encouraged me to go the Monlam, and brought me here, got me a wonderful place to stay with a really great person. She's on the bike in the photie and she's called Katrina. I don't even know her second name. Apart from today when I went to the shrine in the morning just for a change (Glad I did!!), I've been doing a couple of hours meditating here, then going to the shrine, then coming back for more meditating in the evening. As you can see from the photie, I'm meditating my socks off!

                    I have a flight on Thursday. I wish I hadn't. 

Brussels Dzong

    

    

                     I was down at the Samye Ling last week for the Kagyu Monlam, which is a prayer festival. Great to see Ani Lhamo with Lama Yeshe there. The place is not the same when they are absent. The place was almost like its pre-Covid self. Potala House was open and sometimes so was the cafe. 

                    Drupon was doing the teachings. He explained contemplation, as opposed to meditation, and that was very useful. I knew about it's role in analytical meditations before, but I'd forgotten.

                    The best time was spent on the riverbank. And, oh, how the sun sometimes shone. There are few places I visit that look better to me when the sun shines.

                    It's late at night and I'm very tired, but I came here to say that tonight the dial really moved as far as the vase breathing and all that was concerned. I'm so lucky to be having such a wonderful old age. All I brought to the table was stubbornness and doubt, but I have met with some brilliant practitioners. Lama Rinchen encouraged me to come to Brussels and I'm so glad I did come. I'll go back to Edinburgh a different meditator. I knew this nineteen day break would make a big difference considering the way things were going when I was still at home, and it certainly has so far. And I've still go a week to go!!!

                   Maybe I'll write something more considered and sensible about all this when I get the time. Suffice to say that I will be a HotboyMadyamika, I really will. 

 

Cold Killing and the juju.

        

                                I was away from here from Thursday night till Sunday night so I couldn't meditate as much as usual then, but this morning, after one night at home, I felt as if I'd crossed the Rubicon. Right from the first vase breath. Many times there have been false dawns, but there is something different going on today from what was happening yesterday. Of course, I have no idea what the hell's going on, but I expect the meditations to be a bit different from now on. We'll see. 

                            Cold Killing was downloadable for free for five days over the holiday weekend and was downloaded 25 times. I was not expecting it to be downloaded that much. Anyway, I'm using this as a kind of dry run for The Buddha, The Dakini, and The Dirty Old Man. Cold Killing is a crime thriller and I'd expect it to be downloaded more than a non-genre book about Buddhism. I don't mind just having Cold Killing parked on Kindle without anyone downloading it, but I don't want to park The Dirty Old Man. I'll keep it away from Kindle for the foreseeable unless Cold Killing is "successful".

                            A friend of mine put a five star rating on Cold Killing before she'd read it. I was pleased with that since I was expecting a troll to immediately give it a one star. People get off on that kind of thing. Some who had read it gave it a five star review. That was nice though it's not in the same class as The Dirty Old Man. 

                            The photie is an old one of Lama Yeshe, the abbot of the Samye Ling.

 

Cold Killing is published on Kindle

 

                        Seems somehow unexpected, but I put Cold Killing, a crime book sequel to Remote Control, on Kindle today. 

                      I'm trying to say something about it, but it was just something I wanted to write. I had already written something like that in Remote Control so a sequel was an obvious way to go if I wanted to write another crime book. 

                       It's supposed to be a page turner with a nice plotline.

                        It's free to download from tomorrow, Thursday 28th till 2nd of April. Here's the link. 

Found a "slush" pile

                `    Luath Press don't want submissions by email. They want three chapters in hard copy. This is the first publisher I've found like that. Anyway, I got a print out of the book and posted three chapters yesterday. It says on their website that if you don't hear from them in a year ....

                    In  the days when you might approach a publisher without an agent in tow, you could send stuff to the slush pile. This is probably a complete waste of time. When I was trying to sell two books (In The Land Of The Demon Masters and Bugtown) for ten to fourteen year olds, I couldn't find a publisher who'd ever published anything from a slush pile. 

                    Just by having a slush pile, these publishers have cheered me up. I've been sending an email to London agents about every odd week, and have as yet to receive a reply. Sometimes I think it was some kind of miracle that I got two novels published. 

                    I managed to get my New Years resolutions together, just three months late, when I gave up the beer about nine days ago. What a difference! You think three or four beers a night doesn't matter, but with the meditations it matters a lot. I'm feeling quite warm just sitting here. The meditations are far stronger than they were last week. Every week they've been developing, but the foot is on the accelerator now.

                    I got my Irish passport last Friday. I'll be going to Beaumont with Lama Rinchen after the Samye Ling Monlam in May. I'll have to book a return flight or I'll never come back!

                    This winter just passed has been even worse than usual. The only two enjoyable events have been wakes! Someone is hitting this blog almost daily from Mijdrecht in Holland. Well, hello to you!

                    

                    

 

Samye Ling Makahala Prayers

 

                                        I visited the Samye Ling last week for the Makahala Prayers, which is traditionally one of my favourite times at the monastery. So there's ritual music from about eight in the morning till half eleven, and from two in the afternoon till about half four. So I go to the temple at eight and start meditating and stay there for most of the day until soup at six. Then I went to my room and waited for the radiator to come on. Otherwise, it was quite cold, though I felt it less as the week wore on.

                                        I'd been back here a few days before I thought I must be crazy. Nobody does this kind of thing. I don't think anyone else was there meditating all day while the music crashed and banged. But I didn't feel crazy when I was doing it. After a couple of days, as usual I was in the swing of things, and it was as if the anxieties I never even knew I had were slipping off my shoulders.

                                        But back home it occurred to me that I might be trying too hard. Maybe I should be doing more analytical meditations and less visualisations. I keep thinking the meditations are improving, but the heat isn't getting much hotter.

                                       I started writing a new book last week, but I can't get into a routine at the moment. It's like meditating. You want a regular practise, and a time to write every day. Someone is helping me improve my altruistic intentions. 

Bye, Bye Kate

             Kate Nixon passed away the night before last in St Margaret's Care Home. I've been visiting Kate in care homes for at least fifteen years, usually every week unless something else got in the way. She had multiple sclerosis, the same disease that killed my sister, so I was keen to help if I could, but I think I got more out of visiting Kate than she got listening to me prattle on about anything that came into my head week after week. MS is a very cruel disease and she bore it as best she could. She probably knew more about me than just about anyone else. I knew she wouldn't tell anyone. I'll miss her. 

            I varied the emails I was sending every now and again to London agents, and in one went on about the agents I had previously, books they'd taken to London and Frankfort book fairs, and how I had two crime books and two books for young adults if they didn't want to look at The Buddha, The Dakini, and The Dirty Old Man. 

            So I got a reply from Susannah Godman, who seems to read everything that goes into Lutyens and Rubinstein Literary Agents. Of course, she didn't want to read The Dirty Old Man, but asked to see the four other books. 

             I was hoping if I got an agent interesting in the genre books that I'd be able to get them to look at The Dirty Old Man. I'm pretty sure that's pie in the sky! Once you've sold a crime book, nobody will be interested in anything other than another crime book, but .... at least, someone wants to read something, so the emails must be getting read ... and deleted without anyone even bothering to tell you to fuck off.

             I got a reply from Filip Holm who runs the YouTube channel Let's Talk About Religion. I don't often send thank you emails to folk, but his channel has been a joy. I watch it while I do hatha yoga, usually in the late afternoon. 

Here comes the heat!

                         I was delighted on Sunday when I found out that Lama Rinchen was going to the Samye Ling for a week of Makahala Prayers, and I managed to get accommodation booked. I love these events. Just sitting there doing the meditations to a background of gong bashing cacophony. 

                       When I started writing anonymous blogs ... must be over twelve years ago now ....I called myself Hotboy because I'd heard that you should imagine yourself what you'd like to become. Like trying to imagine yourself as a deity when you're trying to do deity yoga.I wanted to be able to raise inner heat. I thought if I could do that before I died then I could claim to be a proper practitioner. Well, I doubt that I'll be able to do the completion stage of deity yoga ever, but I think I'm definitely getting heat now. It must be something to do with the "channels" becoming more "open", but there's been a real acceleration in the process over the last couple of weeks. 

                        Lama Rinchen asked me if I was scared a while back. I'm not scared, but I'm watching my step! This is like footering around with your hard drive, not just replacing software. You can imagine it getting completely out of hand. Lama Yeshe warned me once ab out "unleashing forces" I could not control and you can see how you might crash and burn, but I'll soon be seventy three years old and it's quite funny thinking that sitting quietly doing nothing might be dangerous. The whole business is a bit like having an adventure which is happening in slow, slow motion.

                        I started sending emails to London agents about The Buddha, The Dakini, and The Dirty Old Man at the start of October, and so far have received absolutely no response to any of them. Not a cheep! 

                        Someone keeps hitting this blog from Mijdrecht in the Netherlands. Maybe they are interested in meditation. Hi, anyway. 

                        If anyone would like to have a look at The Buddha, The Dakini and The Dirty Old Man (and you should if you're interested in meditation), just put your email address in the comments section. Due to some troll leaving comments, I monitor them now before publishing and you're email won't appear on this blog, but I can use it to send the attachment to you.

                        I've stopped drinking beer through the week. Tempis fugit. And it really does improve the meditations.